


Not Who I Thought You Were

by onihunter305



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Body Swap, Body violation, Helping each other heal, Homophobia, Homophonic Slurs, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mind Rape, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Season 2 Episode 11, Spoilers, Violence, emotional magnus, non-con, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-10 01:48:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11117346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onihunter305/pseuds/onihunter305
Summary: Alec couldn't sleep without settling things with Magnus that night. Unfortunately, it's the worst decision he's ever made. He had no idea how this one decision would effect him forever.





	1. Alec

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place directly after the 2B season premier. If you haven't seen the episode then it will definitely tell you more than you want to know! Go watch it!
> 
> There is a major trigger warning in this story. Rape is serious and terrible. And although Alec and Magnus are in loving and consensual relationship, there is no such thing as implied consent. Meaning, although Alec may have given himself freely to Magnus in the past, that does not mean that he has given him a free pass (which is something he struggles with in this story). 
> 
> Remember, you have the right to say "no" at anytime and you have a right to have that decision respected!
> 
> This is not something I like to write about, however it was nagging me since watching the episode. So be forewarned that this is not a happy story and not my usual Malec feel good.
> 
> Also, I may continue it, but I haven't gotten that far yet so at the moment this is a one-shot.

Alec felt extreme unease settle into the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t decipher the source though. In all actuality, he should be thrilled. Izzy had called him to tell him she was fine and safe, they were able to get Valentine in and out of his cell without being discovered and punished, and no one was injured during their encounter with the Greater Demon, Azazel. Yet, as he prepared to retire for the night, he couldn’t settle the anxious feeling that threatened to overwhelm him. 

Slipping into his sleep pants, he checked his phone for what felt like the 1,000th time that evening. Even though Magnus had said he would call him in the morning, they had yet to go to bed without wishing the other a goodnight and reiterating their love for one another since their first declarations after the battle at the Institute. Especially in the dark times they lived in, they always wanted the last thing they said to each other to be “I love you.”

Alec sighed as he saw that, once again, he had no missed messages of calls. It was so unlike Magnus. 

Alec found himself perseverating on the fact that Magnus didn’t accept his offer to go home with him. Never, in all his time knowing the older warlock, had he been denied access to the loft. Not that he was truly being denied access, Magnus didn’t ban him from coming over, but he also didn’t promote the idea. Alec felt his heart speed up at the idea that he had somehow upset the warlock that night. 

He found himself thinking back to every moment they spent together that night. Sure, he was a little short with Raphael, but Magnus had to understand where that animosity was deriving from. He had been focused on finding Izzy after that, but he tried not to let his worry translated into irritation with his boyfriend. Maybe he had failed in that attempt? Or maybe…Alec thought back to when Azazel had them pinned beneath his power, torturing them. Maybe Magnus felt as though Alec didn’t worry enough about him? Maybe he felt as though Alec didn’t try hard enough to make sure he was alright after forcing him into the situation in the first place?

Before he knew it, Alec was on his feet and pacing the length of his room. Normally, in moments like this, he would turn to his sister for advice. Unfortunately she was holed up somewhere working through her Yen Fen addiction and was therefore unreachable. He toyed with the idea of going to Jace, but his parabatai wasn’t good for situations like that. He was too emotionally stunted in his own right to help Alec in this situation. 

Feeling as though he would never settle until he knew for sure, Alec quickly swapped out his sleeping pants for black training pants and a sweater. If Magnus was upset with him, he was going to go there and find out why. Then he was going to do whatever it took to fix the problem. Magnus was essentially the only good thing going on in his life right now, he wasn’t going to lose him without a fight.

~*~

Valentine paced around Magnus Bane’s loft, wearing his newly acquired Magnus Bane meat suit. He couldn’t fathom why Azazel had gifted him with his freedom in this way but he also couldn’t find it within himself to care. 

The problem he was currently having was, he didn’t know how to continue on his mission with his current situation. He was unable to fight and react like a shadowhunter while wearing the body of a warlock. Additionally, he knew Azazel would be coming for him and would be insisting that he give him the mortal cup in exchange for his newfound freedom and he had no idea how to protect himself. 

Valentine groaned. Not only was he going to be forced to bargain with a filthy downworlder, he was wearing the meat suit of one. He didn’t understand how young Alec Lightwood could stand to touch this man, let alone sleep with him. Valentine felt sick just knowing he was momentarily one with him. He hoped to whatever angel was listening, that his body would be safe and untouched when he was ready to retake it.

He was startled out of his thought process by an insistent knocking on his door, followed by the sound of said door opening. He reached down to where he would normally tuck a seraph blade only to be forcibly reminded of his current predicament. 

“Damn,” he cursed, trying to maneuver himself into the shadows. He didn’t realize how much he relied on his angelic rune power until that very moment when he was without it. 

“Magnus?” The intruders voice rang out. It was then that Valentine realized who had entered the loft. Alec Lightwood, Bane’s disgrace of a lover, was now here expecting Angel knows what. A shudder ran through his body at the thought that he had come for ‘personal’ reasons. 

“Alec, to what do I owe this visit?” Valentine asked, revealing himself and doing his best to imitate the warlock’s speech pattern and mannerisms. He saw Alec’s eyebrow raise and felt frustration rise within him. Of all the people who may come to visit as he inhabited this body, Alec Lightwood would have the least trouble identifying the differences.

“Thank the angel you are alright,” Alec said, stepping close and into Valentine’s personal space. He felt disgust overwhelm his body, the unnaturalness of their relationship making him sick to his stomach.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Valentine asked, trying to sound nonchalant as he imagined Magnus would sound. 

“You acted strangely, at the Institute. I just couldn’t sleep thinking something was wrong, or that you were mad at me, or that I upset you,” Alec said, his insecurities coming to light.

Valentine sneered internally at his disgraceful weakness. How could Maryse and Robert Lightwood raise such a ‘sensitive’ boy. This was no warrior, no shadowhunter to be proud of. Did they no longer teach the weakness of emotions at the Institute? If this was one of New York’s finest shadowhunters protecting the downworlders and mundanes alike, Valentine’s forces would have no trouble taking them out.

“You sure you’re alright?” Alec asked, noticing the strange look on his boyfriends face and wondering what was going on in his head. 

“I’m fine, you should return to the Institute for the night,” Valentine insisted, hoping that Alec would accept that he was fine and just leave. He had too much to figure out before Azazel showed his ugly face once more. Furthermore, he shuddered at the thought that this boy expect him to lie with him, as he once did with Jocelyn. 

“Leave?” Alec asked, genuinely confused and hurt by the suggestion. He had just traveled clear across the city to check on Magnus and he expected him to go back to the Institute? They had shared a bed many times since their first time, and all Alec wanted to do was sleep with his boyfriend tucked securely in his arms. Why was Magnus trying to get rid of him? 

“I am tired Alec,” Valentine said, becoming irritated. If he had his angelic power he would dispose of this bothersome boy, unfortunately he was in an unfamiliar vessel and was unsure of whether he would be able to effectively subdue the threat without him realizing something was off and forcing him back to the Institute. 

As he looked at the man in front of him, he could tell he was becoming suspicious. He couldn’t have that. He felt anger well up inside of him. How dare this boy, this disgrace to the title of shadowhunter, question him. This pathetic excuse for a man now threatened his escape. He felt the evil tendrils of pure hate and anger flow through his body. Knowing what he knew about Alec Lightwood and his unnatural relationship with the warlock Magnus Bane, he doubted the younger man would be able to harm him while he resided within this body. With that thought in mind, Valentine devised a plan to break the oldest Lightwood child. A plan with the added bonus of breaking the warlock who’s body he was currently riding in as well as his prodigy shadowhunter, Jonathan Wayland.

With the plan in mind, Valentine set his place in motion as he swallowed his disgust and closed the space between himself and the shadowhunter. If there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that acts of a sexual nature were always the best distraction.

“I may be tired Alec, but I’m never too tired for this,” he spat out, trying to sound seductive as he reached out a hand to caress the other man’s bicep.

“What? Magnus, are you sure?” Alec asked, shocked by the extreme personality change that Magnus just experienced in a matter of milliseconds. He wasn't exactly looking for that at the moment, feeling exhausted himself. He really just wanted to lay down with Magnus and be reassured that he was alright. But, if Magnus wanted that, he wasn't going to stop him. After all, he had done something to upset him previously. The least he could do was allow Magnus to relieve his frustrations with him. 

“Of course, I was a little annoyed that you didn’t run to me after Azazel got the upper hand, but now I’m just happy we are both alright. Let’s enjoy that fact,” he said, pushing him towards the bedroom he had discovered earlier. He wasn’t sure that it was the warlocks' bedroom, as he proved to have many throughout the loft, but it was a bedroom nonetheless and therefore would have to do.

“In here?” Alec asked, surprised that Magnus was leading him to the guest bedroom that Jace normally stayed in. Sure it was the closest room at the moment, but that had never mattered before. Alec felt uncomfortable at the idea of doing anything sexual in nature in the bedroom where his parabatai usually slept. 

Knowing there was only one surefire way to shut him up, Valentine pressed Magnus’ lips against Alec’s and continued to push him back. Before either individual knew it, Alec’s calves were pressed agains the bed.

Valentine had never desired another man and therefore had little to no idea of what Alec expected him to do. He had, however, seen plenty of demons getting what they wanted from both men and women alike. With a devilish smirk he quickly flipped Alec’s body around and threw him onto the bed. 

Alec made a surprised sound as he hit the bed unexpectedly. He was so stunned and didn’t comment as his training pants were pulled down violently. When he heard the sounds of Magnus’ belt being undone, he felt the unease from before settling back in. In all the times they had been together, Magnus had never treated him so callously. He wondered if this was punishment for whatever he had done earlier to upset the older man. He felt fear crawling into his brain as he registered the fact that he didn't want to do this. In the same thought, however, he rationalized that Magnus was his boyfriend and clearly felt as though he needed this. Never once, did it register with Alec that he had the right to say no, even if he didn't want it. 

Valentine smirked viciously at the sight before him, this weak shadowhunter had no idea what was in store for him. How vulnerable he left himself in the presence of a filthy downworlder. Valentine would teach him that lesson, a lesson he would not soon forget. 

Feeling the warlock’s body react to the sight of the pale skin exposed before him, Valentine relaxed slightly. He had been worried he would be unable to preform the task, but his excitement grew at the thought of being able to break the man in front of him. 

Without warning he descended, thrusting into the unsuspecting man without warning and causing Alec to cry out violently, his body twisting sharply to attempt to escape the pain. Alec prayed for the pain to stop as he contemplated telling Magnus he didn't want this, even though he had liked it other times they had shared their bodies with each other, this hurt and he didn't know if he could continue. 

Valentine quickly gripped his arms and held him down, struggling against his flailing body. Willing Alec's body to cease all movement, he was shocked when the body beneath him froze. The only sounds penetrating the room were the harsh breaths, whines, and cries from the dark-haired boy. Valentine realized that he had subconsciously tapped into the warlock’s power and was now using it to restrain the man’s lover. The irony in the situation fueled him even further as his withdrew slightly only to thrust in once more.

Not wasting a moment of his lesson, he began to viciously piston his hips against the younger mans’ prone body, forcing screams of agony to escape the other's parted lips as his body was violated.

Alec was blinded with pain. He couldn’t understand what was happening. Magnus, the man he loved, was hurting him in an unspeakable way. His back felt like it was on fire and he had trouble concentrating on anything but the extremely agony that shot up and down his spine. He knew he had given Magnus permission to do this before, but it had never hurt like this before. He wanted it to stop. 

Alec began to cry, beg, and plead for Magnus to stop. He would do anything, say anything, if only he would stop. “Please Magnus, it hurts! I can’t take it! Please stop!”

The maniacal laughter that his cries met made his stomach drop instantly. Something was very wrong with Magnus.

Alec did his best to focus himself, to draw into his mind to try and block some of the pain and humiliation he felt. He dug deep into his shadowhunter training to shut everything else out as he tried to decipher a way out of the situation he found himself in. He refused to believe that Magnus meant to hurt him. Azazel must have done something to his mind, either way, he knew he wasn’t safe here. As much as he hated to admit it, he was no longer safe in Magnus’ home. More tears escaped his eyes as he came to that realization. 

Fiery pain exploded throughout his body as the man he loved finished and collapsed momentarily on top of him. As he pulled out and rolled off, Alec felt liquid running down his thighs. The sensation made his stomach roll and he barely thought about it before he threw his body to the side and threw up everything within his stomach. Realizing that his body was free, Alec quickly pulled his pants up and raced towards the door, praying that Magnus’ magic wouldn’t prevent him from leaving like it prevented him from moving earlier. 

The relief he felt once he was exposed to the cool crisp air of Brooklyn was palpable. He felt his legs shaking as the pain continued to course up and down his body with every movement. He pulled out his stele and activated his iratze to take the edge off of it. Thankfully that gave him enough relief to get himself back to the Institute. 

Alec silently made his way through the Institute, thanking every angel he had ever studied as he did so unnoticed. He let his body sag to the floor once he closed his bedroom door. He could still feel the aching pain that had been caused by Magnus’ violation and as much as he wished he could figure out what had possessed him loving boyfriend to hurt him like that, he just didn’t have the strength anymore. He found himself crawling to his bed, praying that some rest would allow the iratze to finish healing his injures by morning.

He didn’t know what he was going to do moving forward. He found himself afraid of Magnus, even the thought of seeing the other man to figure out what was wrong with him caused his body to shudder with fear. He devised a tentative plan to go and see Valentine in the morning to see if he was equally effected by whatever Azazel did to them that night. 

With that plan in mind, he closed his eyes and prayed for the blissful darkness to take him.


	2. Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this story had an effect that I hadn't necessarily planned. I feel as though I have to address a couple of things here. You can either chose to read them, or you can skip the note and move right on to the story.
> 
>  
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review, whatever your message may have been. Thank you to those who defended my writing as well as my personal character. I appreciate it.
> 
> To the individuals that I upset, who believe that my writing was based in racism and that it was deplorable. I would like to address some of things that you said. I am not an uneducated individual, I would like to consider myself fairly open-minded and well traveled. I have been all around the world, have studied many different cultures, and immersed myself into a few of them. That being said, I know I have a lot to learn still and always relish in the opportunity to learn more. You essentially asked me to look deeper into what I wrote and to further explore racism in literature. I can understand your anger and frustration. It is terrible for any race to be depicted as a villainous one, especially underrepresented ones. I did struggle to see how my story was racist as when I wrote it, I was essentially seeing Valentine as the rapist, not Magnus. I understand that he used Magnus' body to commit the act, but in my mind, it was really Valentine who was going it. Irregardless, I apologize if I offended you as it was not my intention. If you chose not to read the rest of this story, any of my current stories, or any of my future stories I respect your decision. 
> 
> To the individuals who did not appreciate me making Alec a victim in what is essentially a violation of Magnus' body. The story that I wrote was unfinished. I was unsure on whether or not I was going to finish it. After much introspection, I have decided to do my best to see the storyline out to it's fullest. I did not mean to take away from what Magnus was going through, or the pain that he will feel over the knowledge that his body is being used by others without his permission. He is, in every way, being raped. I believe that this, however, will effect everyone he loves and cares for. That is what I was trying to explore within this story. Through my own experiences I have learned that everyone you care about is effected when you are raped. Past, present, and future. Magnus is going to need a lot of TLC going forward, I do not deny that nor do I want to diminish that fact. The rest of the people in his life will need that as well. Again, if you chose not to read the rest of this story, any of my current stories, or any of my future stories I respect your decision. 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope that clears up some things and that everyone else enjoys the rest of the story.

Magnus had been disoriented and confused for the better part of an hour after his encounter with Azazel. He remembered the blurry look of Jace and Clary’s disdainful glares. He remembered pleading for help as he realized his magic had been cut off from him. He remembered wondering where Alec was, and if he was alright after their short-lived battle with the Greater Demon. And then, he vaguely remembered watching the image of himself walking out of the room, with Alec’s arm guiding him gently. After that point, he only remembered the panic.

From that confusing point on, Magnus was dragged from place to place before finally being chained up in a cell in the darkest recesses of the Institute. Throughout the experience he attempted to call out for help, for someone to help him figure out what was going on. He wanted Alec to tell him everything was going to be alright. He wanted to talk to Catarina about his magic and what was preventing his access to it. But his mouth was unable to form the words as he was manhandled like a common prisoner. His arms were bound to his body, his face covered, his mouth gagged. 

He struggled to understand what was happening. What had Azazel done to him? He felt none of his familiar warmth that emanated from his magical ability. He felt lethargic and unable to move with his usual grace. And he felt unfamiliar aches and pains all over his body, as if he had been battling for hours without reprieve. 

His eyes were still slightly unfocused as he tried to calm his panicked body and assess what was happening. All he could tell was that he was chained up and under some kind of arrest. He didn’t understand how Alec could be walking out with him, and yet here he was. It was like he was having some kind of outer-body experience. 

As he looked around, trying to decipher what was going on, his eyes caught a reflection in the glass. His mind took a moment to comprehend what he was he was seeing. The face, looking back at him, wasn’t his own. In fact, it was of someone he hoped to never see again in his immortal life. The confused, and slightly frightened face of Valentine was looking back at him. 

Magnus felt overwhelming panic course through his veins. He felt despair like he hadn’t felt in over a hundred years as his mind slowly put together the pieces of what must have occurred that night. Azazel used his infinite power to remove him from his body and place him within Valentine's. Which led to the question, was Valentine within his body…and what was he doing with it. 

Now Magnus felt a different kind of fear. The last he saw his body, it was with Alec. If Valentine was truly controlling his body, then who knew what he would do with it. Magnus had played his part during The Uprising, Valentine had more than enough reasoning to want to hurt him and those around him. 

Fearing for his loved one’s safety, Magnus began to thrash and scream for help. He needed someone to come down here. He needed to talk to someone, to convince them of what had transpired that night. He didn’t know how he would be able to do that, but he knew he needed to try.

He didn’t know how long he cried, or how long he screamed, but no one came. 

As time ticked on, and his worry festered within the body he currently occupied, Magnus prayed to whomever would listen. He prayed that someone would come down and hear him out. He prayed that no one was hurt by his body while he wasn’t occupying it. And he prayed that they figured out how to fix this situation before it got too out of control.

Eventually Magnus must have fallen asleep, his body collapsing from exhaustion and the weight of his newly acquired injuries. His sleep was not a restful one. As he slept, subconscious memories that did not belong to him crept into his dreams. 

Dreams and visions of Valentine’s memories flooded his system. Visuals of Valentine torturing and murdering downworlders. Children being disemboweled, teenagers being cut slowly and methodically so that they bleed out in the most painful of ways, adults being experimented on. Magnus woke multiple times, screaming out in terror.

By the time morning came, Magnus felt as if his nerves were on fire as his mind was assaulted over and over again by the atrocities Valentine had committed within this body. He was exhausted, both body and mind. 

Then came the parade of people. Shadowhunters, drilling him for answers about the whereabouts of the mortal cup. Magnus struggled to try and access that memory, trying to find out any information that would make this situation even remotely worth it, but his searches only brought up more nightmares. 

Then came the torture. When he was unable to provide them with the answers they sought, they ignited runes on his skin that made his feel as though his body was on fire. He writhed and screamed, begging for them to end this torture. He pleaded for them to listen to him, pleaded for them to allow him to explain. He wasn’t the man they thought he was, they had the wrong man!

Magnus cried out for Alec, begged for them to bring him down to the cells. Praying that, if his boyfriend were to appear, that he would know it was him. He would put and end to all of this and begin working together to get his body back. Yet, no one listened to him.

Hours into the torture, there was a break. 

Magnus sat, slumped in the chair and panting as he tried to regain his breath. Every fiber of his body hurt. He truly felt as though he was in hell. He tried to think of the future, of how this could potentially end. If no one was able to discover who was truly in this monstrous body, then it was likely he would be tortured with his soul trapped here. If that were to happen…Magnus didn’t want to even think about it. 

He was startled out of his depressing thoughts by yet another person entering his own personal hell. He barely had the strength to lift his head to see who it was and he felt a small glimmer of hope as he saw Jace’s stoney face.

“Jace…” he breathed out, knowing that he had a chance at convincing him of what had occurred or at least getting Alec down here to hear him out.

“Shut up your filthy scum. Your vile words have done enough damage,” Jace spat out, anger lacing every word. 

“Please… listen,” Magnus pleaded. He needed to be heard. He couldn’t take much more of this.

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say, your mouth can tell nothing but lies,” Jace argued, so angry with the man who pretended to be his father and shattered his relationship with Clary in every way possible. 

“I’m not him,” Magnus said, right before Jace’s fist made contact with his already buried and battered face. He cried out in pain, emotional and physical, as the blow found it’s mark. 

“Yeah? Just like you were my father? And then you weren’t?” Jace retorted.

“Please, I’m not Valentine,” Magnus said again, fearing further physical punishments in his interaction with Jace.

“Then, pray tell, who the hell are you?” Jace asked, the tone of his voice letting Magnus know right away that he didn’t believe him. 

“I’m Magnus, Magnus Bane. Azazel…he did something…” Magnus tried to go on but found himself once again on the wrong end of Jace’s fist.

“Yeah right. Nice try,” was all Jace said in return. 

“How can I prove it to you?” Magnus asked, racking his brain for something only he and Jace shared. Anything that would allow a small shred of doubt to enter to brain. 

“You can’t,” Jace responded, sparing one last glance at him before turning to walk out, “I came here to try and get some answers. But it’s clear that you will never reveal the position of the mortal cup. I’m going to suggest execution for your crimes against your fellow shadowhunters and downworlders.”

“Jace…please, no,” Magnus tried, unable to process clearly due to the abuse he had suffered as well as his torturous lack of sleep the night before. 

“Save it,” the blond-haired shadowhunter replied before walking out of the cell without a second glance. 

Magnus felt the black tendrils of despair threaten to overwhelm him. If he couldn’t get anyone to listen to him, how could he possibly convince them of his situation?

Exhaustion settled deep into his bones. 

It may have been minutes, or it may have been hours, before another person entered his own little slice of hell. This time, Magnus couldn’t muster the strength to lift his head. He waited, with pure fear pulsing through every cell, for whoever it was to take what they came for.

No sound was made, no words were exchanged. Whomever joined him was content to stand there silently and study his defeated position. 

It seemed like minutes before the other person cleared their throat, clearly prompting him to lift his head and meet their gaze. When Magnus finally found the strength to do so, he was shocked by the person who had joined him. 

Alec.

~*~

That morning, Alec had woken with a dull ache lingering in his limbs as well as a sharp pain lingering in his heart. His sleep had been disturbed, trying to come to terms with what had happened and why. 

Getting himself up and ready for the day, Alec took a moment to compartmentalize the night's events. He was particularly careful to suppress how he was feeling in the aftermath. Knowing he had been trained to leave his emotions behind, Alec put on his mask of indifference and made his way through the Institute. 

Even though he planned to do his best to forget what had transpired between himself and Magnus that night, he still wanted answers. He thought he could find those answers deep within the walls of the Institute, down in the cells. 

Even though Jace had informed him that he would only be wasting his time by going to Valentine for answers, Alec felt that something terrible had transpired during their interaction with Azazel and there were few people who were there to question. 

Magnus was not an option at the moment. So he sought the answers he needed from another source. Valentine.

Opening the door to the cell Alec was surprised to see how defeated Valentine looked. In all of his limited interactions with the man, he was arrogant and unashamed of his actions. Seeing his shoulders slumped the way they were was a strange scene to walk in on. 

Taking a deep breath Alec realized he didn’t know what he hoped to accomplish in this meeting. He wanted, and needed, answers. But he doubted that Valentine would be the reliable source he needed. 

~*~

Magnus felt his mouth go dry at the sight of Alexander Lightwood standing in the doorway. 

Hope managed to push it’s way through the darkness that consumed him. Alec’s presence, his mere appearance, had lifted Magnus’ spirits in ways that he hadn’t thought it could. 

“Alexander,” He whispered out, so relieved to see him. Even though he didn’t look at him the way he usually did, with sweet and innocent adoration, his body breathing the same air as him give him a glimmer of hope.

Alec did not respond. He didn’t know what to say. Now that he was face to face with Valentine, all he saw was a pathetic, broken man, who had killed thousands of people for his own selfish desires. And yet, there was something so obviously different about him.

“Alec, you need to listen to me,” Magnus tried again, willing to be the only one who spoke in their exchange if it meant Alec hearing him out and believing him. 

“No, I don’t. I am here for answers,” Alec spoke, his voice weak but sure. Magnus was caught off guard by the younger man’s tone of voice. 

Magnus prided himself on knowing all things Alec Lightwood. He liked to believe that he knew his laugh, how he sounded when he was happy, how he sounded when he was mad, how he sounded when he was upset, and how he sounded when something was terribly wrong. Magnus felt that something was terribly wrong with his boyfriend in that moment. 

Staying silent, Magnus waited for Alec to ask his questions, praying he would be able to get a word in edgewise to convince him that he was who he was. 

“Last night, with Azazel…” Alec paused, gathering his thoughts in order to ask his question in the manner in which he wanted to, “Did he say anything to you, do anything to you?” Alec’s voice wasn’t as sure as he would have liked it to be. He desperately wanted to know what had happened last night. He needed answers. He needed to know what would have driven Magnus to do what he did. He prayed to the Angel’s that Valentine would have the answers he sought. 

“Yes! Last night Azazel switched my soul with Valentine’s. Alec, Alexander, it’s me, Magnus,. I’m trapped in this body,” he said, trying to soak his words with sincerity. He didn’t know what he would do if Alec didn’t believe him. Alec truly was his last hope. 

Alec took a step back, as if physically struck by the explanation Valentine offered him. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the ridiculous lies that were flowing out of the older shadowhunter’s mouth. 

“You expect me to believe that?” Alec said, his voice soft and pained. How dare Valentine use Magnus against him? 

He was about to turn and leave, unable to listen to this man’s lies any longer, but the dull twinges of pain that still lingered forced him to stop. As farfetched and unlikely as Valentine’s story was… could it be possible? The seed of doubt had been planted within Alec’s mind. He didn’t know how to handle processing this potential knowledge while keeping his time with Magnus last night locked up tight. It physically pained him to even try. 

“Please Alexander, I love you. Don’t leave me down here to die for this man’s crimes,” the voice behind him pleaded. Magnus could see the tense set of his shoulders. Something was wrong with Alec. Magnus longed to reach out to him, be comforted by his touch and comfort him in the like. But he refrained, knowing his touch wouldn’t be welcomed while in this body.

Alec closed his eyes tightly, imaging those words incased in the voice of the man he loved. It made no sense, but then again, what did these days. The world they lived in was crazy, who’s to say that this event could tip the scale of crazy.

“Alexander, if you do love me, you have to believe me,” Magnus pleaded once more, taking Alec’s pause as a positive sign. 

Alec turned and looked at him, his eyes wide but his face emotionless. Magnus rose, attempting to close the gap between them, only to be stopped by a hand on his chest. He needed Alec to believe him. He tried to push forward once more, only to be met with resistance again. 

“Please, love,” Magnus tried once more, hating the sound of his declaration of love in the voice of his enemy. He felt tears pool in his eyes at the idea that Alec wasn’t going to believe him. That he was going to die, trapped and alone in Valentine’s body. 

Before he could think on the situation even further, he found himself thrown back against the wall, Alec’s fist gripping the front of his shirt tightly. 

“That sick game of yours is over,” Alec said, his voice sounding stronger than he felt. 

Without another word, Alec turned and left. Slamming the cell door behind him. He needed someone, he needed to ground himself, he needed his parabatai. 

As the thunk of the door slamming into the doorjamb echoed within the cell, Magnus felt his heart breaking. Alec didn’t believe him. He wouldn’t believe him. And if he couldn’t get the one person in this Institute who knew him best to believe him, what chance did he have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done my best to utilize the promo for next week's episode as well as the promotional photos to guess what might happen between Alec and Magnus. There are a couple more chapters I am tweaking and hoping to add before Monday's episode.


	3. Alec and Magnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Magnus get Alec to believe him in time?

Alec stormed up the stairs of the Institute, returning to the main floor with his mind in turmoil. On one hand, there was no way that he was even contemplating believing the insane ramblings of the man being held prisoner for crimes against humanity. Yet, on the other hand, if he was telling the truth…

Alec was so lost in thought that he didn’t even realize he was about to crash into Jace until the smaller man grabbed him by his elbows to halt his movement and get his attention.

“Whoah, whats going on Alec?” Jace asked, clearly recognizing the inner battle that was raging inside his brother.

“I just… I don’t know,” Alec responded, trying to settle his thoughts properly.

“Where did you just come from?” Jace asked suspiciously. Something was very off with Alec, he was tense and confused. Ever since last night Jace could feel uneasiness through their bond, Alec's uneasiness and pain. 

“I was…I was talking to Valentine. Something... could something have happened last night? Between us and Azazel?” Alec questioned, wanting to gauge Jace before sharing what Valentine had claimed. He was so confused, he just wanted answers. And as much as it didn’t make sense, it also did. 

“What did I tell you about talking to him? He has nothing to say. All he does is lie and create problems!” Jace exclaimed, ignoring the secondary portion of Alec’s questions. He was surprised when Alec moved back up ever so slightly at the raised tone of his voice. “Seriously Alec, you can’t believe anything he says.” He continued, this time slightly softer. 

“It’s not just him. Something…something happened last night. I just don’t know what. Magnus…something was…not right last night. He wasn’t…himself,” Alec said, the pain of the memory surfacing, causing him to shudder. 

“Dealing with Greater Demons is never easy. Was there something specific?” Jace asked, able to tell that something was off kilter with Alec but not sure what. His brother was always very tight lipped about his relationship with Magnus, so Jace figured something must have been really off for Alec to bring it up with him.

“Magnus just…he just wasn’t himself,” Alec said, bringing one hand up to cup his elbow, as if he was trying to hold himself together physically as he shared his concerns. “And just now…neither was Valentine. And he said…” at this point Alec was cut off. 

“Alec just stop,” Jace said cutting him off. “This is Valentine, he is always planning his next move. You do not want to fall for his lies.”

The sureness of his words struck Alec. Jace truly believed, with every fiber of his being, what he was saying was the absolute truth. And what if he was right? What if Valentine was just trying to manipulate him into somehow freeing him? 

But then again, what if he was telling the truth? What if he really was Magnus, trapped inside Valentine’s body? What would that mean? That would mean that the soul trapped within Magnus’ body was… Valentine's. 

Alec immediately felt sick to his stomach at the thought. At the mere idea that Valentine was currently inhabiting Magnus’ body and that he…Alec didn't even dare try and formulate the idea within the deep confines of his mind.

“I know he can be convincing. Come to the Inquisitor’s interrogation today. You will see him for who he is exactly. But, if it’s the last thing you do, don’t believe him,” Jace stated, patting Alec on the shoulder before moving past him and out of the room.

Alec felt panic rise up within him as he stood there, unable to move. Eventually he found the strength to push himself to find a safe place, the only place left where he felt safe ended up being his bedroom. 

As he sat on his bed, he ran the facts he had gathered through his mind, each one more painful than the last. There was a chance that Valentine was lying in an attempt to convince Alec to free him from his confines which would allow him to continue his dangerous eradication of the downworlders. There was also a chance that he wasn’t lying, and that Valentine had used Magnus’ body as a weapon against him. If that was true, then that also meant that Magnus was currently being tortured for answers he didn’t have. It meant that he could be put to death for another man’s crimes.

With that thought in mind, Alec knew he had to attend today’s inquisition. He had to watch Valentine’s mannerism and listen to how he phrased his answers and spoke. He knew Magnus, he would know if it was him. He just knew he would.

~*~

Standing to the side, his hands behind his back at attention, Alec focused solely on the man tired to the chair. Valentine’s mouth had been gagged with a leather strap, his hands bound. Because of this, Alec was having a hard time picking up any subtle differences that he had seen from Valentine during his weeks confinement within the walls of the Institute’s holding cells. 

He watched as Inquisitor Herondale circled around his body and threw accusations at him. She blamed him for the death of many shadowhunters. She blamed him for the unrest amongst the downworlders. She blamed him for disgracing them as a people. And then she began to make it personal. 

Taking out her stele she began to inflict pain upon the prisoner as she yelled insults at him. Called him a pathetic man with no purpose left on this Earth.

Alec cringed at the muffled moans of pain. As a principle, Alec didn’t approve of torture. He didn’t like to inflict it nor did he like to watch it. With the trickle of doubt that existed that the soul within that body might be Magnus’, it was everything Alec could do to hold himself back from stopping it.

“And my son is dead because of you,” she continued, causing Alec to look up at her. Although he knew the historic genealogy of most of the predominate shadowhunter families, he wasn’t familiar with the Herondale line. All he knew was that the Inquisitor had no living family left. Now he was learning that Valentine was responsible for the death of her son.

Alec could see the fire in her eyes, she wanted revenge. As he spared a glance at Valentine’s body, he was shocked to see that his eyes were locked on his own. Alec shuddered, it was almost like he was trying to give him access to his soul, access to see who he really was. 

“It is painfully clear that we will never get anywhere with such useless scum. Prepare him for execution,” she said with finality. 

Alec’s eyes were locked on Valentine’s body. There was no fight there, only pain filled eyes closing in resignation as his head bowed. In that moment, Alec began to believe that he was telling the truth. 

“Inquisitor, a moment alone with the prisoner if you would allow it,” he said, trying to play his part as acting head of the Institute. 

“Keep it brief Mr. Lightwood. We have an execution to prepare,” she said, sneering once more at the broken man before her and then turning and leaving through the parted door.

As soon as she was gone Alec turned to Valentine’s body, head still bowed and his eyes shut as silent tears streamed down his face in defeat. 

“Magnus?” Alec asked, hope littering his voice. 

~*~

Magnus had felt all fight leave Valentine’s body as the Inquisitor delivered her sentence. He had no other options remaining. He was going to die, trapped inside a man who had finally taken everything from him. 

He had tried his hardest. He had begged and pleaded with both Alec and Jace to have them believe him. But his cries had fallen on deaf ears. And now, he would be put to death for crimes he had not committed. 

Feeling the tears wetting his cheeks, Magnus felt unbelievable pain and anguish. His body was going to be used by the evilest of shadowhunters to have graced this world during his time. His body would allow that man to continue his master plan to eradicate the downworlders by any means possible.

His shoulder’s slumped as he realized that he had played his hand and he had nothing left to give. 

Just as he was about to escape into his mind, a beacon of light came through in the form of his lover’s voice. 

“Magnus?”

His head shot up at Alec’s hopeful tone. Magnus almost couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that Alec believed him. That Alec was going to save him. 

Alec had been shocked by the reaction to his simple question. He could see the pure hope that beamed from the expression-filled eyes of the man before him. As Alec looked at him he felt a familiar warmth flow through his body. He knew he had just solved a riddle that would have haunted him for the rest of his life.

Quickly, he pulled the leather strap off of Valentine’s mouth, allowing him freedom of speech.

“You believe me,” the voice said, still in disbelief that he might be saved for his terrible fate. Magnus was always afraid to dare to dream.

“I…do,” Alec finally said, having made his decision. He knew Magnus, or at least he thought he did, and the man he was with last night wasn’t him. The man before him, somehow was.

“Oh thank Lilith,” Magnus breathed out, his body slumping with exhaustion.

“That’s certainly something the real Valentine would never agree to say,” Alec replied with a breathy laugh. He was so relieved to have figured it out, but he didn’t know how he was going to convince anyone else. He needed to stay the execution at the very least. And then he needed to figure out a way to get Magnus’ soul back in his body, and Valentine’s back in this one.

“You have no idea what a relief it is to hear the sound of your laugh. I feared I would never hear it again,” Magnus said, looking up at Alec with a small smile on his lips.

“How can I… I mean, how do we… you know, switch you back?” Alec asked, praying to the Angels that Magnus would know the answer.

“Souls, traditionally, don’t like to be contained within the wrong vessel if their original one is available. If I had my magic it would be easy. Alas, that is not an option. I do believe, if you could somehow get my body here we could make some progress,” Magnus said, now that his fate wasn’t quiet so dark he felt as though he could think straight.

“Okay, so all I have to do is get the Inquisitor to delay Valentine’s execution while somehow getting the real Valentine to agree to bring your body to the Institute and meet with you. Sounds easy…” Alec said, ticking off what he had to do on his hand, his voice growing more doubtful with each word. 

“If anyone can do it, it’s you Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice full of the trust he felt for the other man. 

“You’ll be okay while I’m gone?” Alec asked, his protective urges surfacing.

“I’ll manage, just don’t be long,” he answered, praying he wasn’t lying as Alec nodded and walked out the door.

Magnus allowed Valentine’s body to slump within his constraints in the chair. He wished he could have requested his limbs to be unbound, but he doubted the Inquisitor would allow it. After all, he was an insane criminal on death row. Irregardless, Magnus felt the aches and pains of the body he inhabited and prayed that Alec finds a solution sooner rather than later.

~*~

Alec racked his mind for a plan that would both stay the execution as well as get Magnus’ body to the Institute without raising suspicion that he was onto him. Coming up with a plan that he thought might work, Alec sought out the High Inquisitor to pitch one last ditch effort plan to recover the Mortal Cup. 

“Inquisitor, a word please,” Alec said, entering what should be his office, as he was Interim-Head of the Institute. She looked up after a moment, a bored expression on her face.

“Alec Lightwood, what can I do for you?” She asked.

“I believe there is another option, in our inquisition of the prisoner Valentine, before his execution. There is a chance that we could still recover the Mortal Cup with his help, possibly even his help unknowingly and unwillingly,” Alec said, trying to sound both formal and persuasive. He knew he wouldn’t get another chance at this. If he failed, Magnus was as good as dead. 

“Go on Mr. Lightwood,” she said, her interest piqued. 

“As you are likely aware, the New York Institute shares a special working relationship with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane. He is particularly skilled in memory spells, if my research is accurate. Perhaps it would behoove us to invite him in to attempt to extract the location of the Cup from Valentine’s memories prior to his execution,” Alec continued, carefully laying out his plan. If everything went as he hoped it would, it would mean Magnus’ body and Magnus’ soul would be within the same room. Hopefully it would be enough to reverse whatever Azazel did. 

“A very promising idea Mr. Lightwood. I can see why you have been named Interim-Head of this Institute while Victor Aldertree is answering for his misguidance in Idris. Summon the warlock and see if he can aide us in the recovery of the Cup,” she instructed. Alec smiled briefly before nodding and respectfully leaving the office. 

Now that part one of his plan had been set into motion, all that was left was to call “Magnus” and get him to accept the offer. He didn’t know how far Valentine was willing to go to keep people believing that nothing had changed. Hopefully, he would be willing to keep up the charade long enough to be convinced to come to the Institute. 

Taking out his cell phone, Alec quickly typed in Magnus’ number from memory and waited for someone to answer. 

“Hello,” came a tired sounding reply. Alec’s body physically reacted in disgust at the knowledge that the sweet voice he was hearing though the phone was really Valentine.

“Hey Magnus,” Alec said, trying to keep it cool and act as if he didn’t know anything, “The Inquisitor requested that I summon you to help us with Valentine. Maybe you can look inside his mind to get the location of the Mortal Cup from him?” 

“She thinks I can do that?” Magnus’ voice replied.

“We both know you can,” Alec said, playing off the fact that Valentine most likely had not researched Magnus’ abilities enough to know what he truly could and could not do.

“Yes… Well then, what time would she like me?” Alec could hear the hesitation in the voice on the other end of the line, but he also knew he had him exactly where he needed him.

“As soon as possible. Valentine is to be executed as soon as possible,” Alec said, wondering if Valentine would care that his body was about to be destroyed.

“I see. Well then I guess I better get over there,” Magnus’ voice replied, sounding slightly angry.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they compensate you appropriately,” Alec said, trying to keep the conversation exactly as he would have if Magnus had actually been on the other side of the phone. He couldn’t, however, bring himself to say that he loved him before hanging up the phone.

Alec sighed, he was happy that he was able to execute his plan to the best of his ability so far, but he also knew there was a long road ahead of them. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much road left to travel on.


	4. Alec and Magnus II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Magnus is returned to his rightful body!

Alec had rushed back down to Valentine’s cell after debriefing the Inquisitor on Magnus’ impending arrival to attempt to extract the location information from their prisoner.

When he re-entered the cell he could see the weariness that seemed to exude from the body that was chained to the chair. Knowing he could get in trouble for what he was about to do, Alec set himself to undo the binds that held Valentine’s body captive.

“Thank you Alexander,” Magnus said, stretching out the unfamiliar limbs as he attempted to get some feeling back in them. “I hope you come bearing good news?”

“I think I do. I have convinced Inquisitor Herondale to delay Valentine’s execution by convincing her that the High Warlock of Brooklyn can extract his memories of the location of the Mortal Cup. And, I got Valentine to agree to come here too, because saying no would have blown his cover,” Alec said, hoping he had done good with his plan. Receiving a small smile, he knew he had.

“Perhaps…” Magnus began, trying to think of all possible options to make this plan a success.

“Yeah?” Alec asked, sensing that Magnus wanted to request something else.

“Perhaps, if you could contact Catarina and get here here as well… she would definitely be able to preform the proper incantation to return us to our rightful bodies. That would eliminate me having to convince Valentine to,” Magnus said, hoping it would be possible to get her there before his body arrived. 

“I can try! Give me her number and I’ll call her,” Alec said, quick to do anything that would reverse this situation and give him back Magnus in his own body.

After receiving the number, Alec stepped out to make the call. It was quick and short, and although Catarina couldn’t believe they had been so stupid as to attempt strike a deal with a Greater Demon, she agreed to portal to the Institute immediately. 

Despite his familiarness with portals, from taking them around the world with Magnus, Alec was still surprised by the sound of Catarina portaling straight into the deep recesses of the Institute. 

“How did…?” Alec asked, confused. Alec had known that Magnus could portal within the walls of the Insititute, but he had created the wards so Alec had believe it was a loophole just for him. Had he created the same loophole for every warlock he trusted?

“Unimportant,” Catarina cut him off, looking over his shoulder to where Valentine’s body was pressed up agains his glass confinement, looking out at them in desperation. “What the…”

She had only half believed the young Lightwood boy in his insane claim that Magnus’ soul was trapped within Valentine Morgenstern’s body, but now that she saw it with her own eyes her heart broke for her friend. To be trapped within the body of a murder, with his repressed and suppressed memories, had to be awful. She couldn’t even bare to think of how he would handle regaining his own body, with it’s memories of what Valentine had done with it while he had it. She knew they had to rectify this situation as soon as possible. 

“Magnus,” she said, coming up to the glass and reaching out for him. She could see his soul trapped within that vessel, she could see the tendrils of pain that surrounded it and knew how physically painful it must be for her friend to be trapped like this. “Don’t worry, as soon as your body arrives, we will correct this grievous mistake.”

“Thank you dear friend,” Magnus replied. Catarina actually flinched at the sound of Valentine’s voice delivering Magnus’ words, the unnaturalness of it unnerved her. “How long has be been like this?” Catarina asked, turning to Alec in anger. She couldn’t understand why they hadn’t called her earlier. Didn’t Alec understand how much damager Valentine could do with Magnus’ body.

“I just figured it out today, but he was switched yesterday,” Alec supplied.

“You better hope that Valentine hasn’t done anything irreparable with Magnus’ body and magic,” Catarina said, her tone betraying the anger she felt towards the shadowhunter before her. She completely missed the inadvertent flinch that Alec’s body made when she mentioned what Valentine could do with Magnus’ body. Although he suppressed what had happened to deal with at another time, or never, it was exceedingly difficult to keep it suppressed with the facts staring him right in the face.

“Leave him alone Cat, he is the only one that figured it out. Now, he has convinced Valentine to bring my body here. As soon as we are close enough, you can switch us back correct?” Magnus asked, trying to defend Alec. He could see something was off with his boyfriend, and as much as he longed to hold him and get him to delve his secrets, he knew this had to be handled first. 

“Body contact, not just proximity,” Catarina said.

“Okay, I think I can get that to happen,” Alec said, the gears in his mind continuing to work the plan. They could do this, they had to do this. 

“I shall conceal myself until it’s time, I feel Magnus’ magical signature approaching. Get ready, both of you!” She said, before she disappeared before their very eyes. 

“Soon everything will be right again,” Magnus said to Alec, wanting a moment of peace with him before everything hit the fan again. “Are you alright Alexander?” 

“I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about,” Alec replied, refusing to share anything that had transpired between Magnus’ body and himself since the switch. It hadn’t been Magnus, so it didn’t matter. That was what he was going to tell himself until he believed it. Magnus would never have to know.

“Don’t worry about me. Soon I’ll be my glittery self,” Magnus replied, wanting nothing more than to gentle caress the worry lines off of Alec’s face. Soon, he thought to himself, soon. 

Suddenly Alec could hear the sounds of footsteps echoing in the hall. He pulled back from the glass and moved to the side, standing at attention. Magnus’ body matched into the room, lacking all of it’s useful gracefulness and glamour. He was followed by High Inquisitor Herondale, looking sour due to the fact that she once again had to be in Valentine’s presence. 

“High Inquisitor, Magnus,” Alec said, sounding formal. He refused to give much attention to Magnus’ vessel, as he felt the painful memories from the night before surface. 

“Let’s get this over with. Warlock Bane, if you are able to extract the location of the Mortal Cup from Valentine’s memories, you of course will be rewarded handsomely. However, we would like to delay his execution as little as possible. So the sooner the better,” she said, instructing Magnus to do what he came for.

“I’ll lead you inside the cell,” Alec said, stepping forward to escort him. “You need body contact to properly work the spell after all,” he said with confidence, daring Valentine to try and dispute him. 

“Of course Alec,” Valentine responded, causing Alec to cringe at the sound of Magnus’ voice expressing Valentine’s words. 

Alec carefully but quickly let Magnus’ body over to where the door opening was to the cell. He opened it up and led him inside, standing with his back to the door to prevent any kind of escape. He watched as Valentine slowly approached where his body was sitting.

Slowly he raised his hands to touch the other’s head. As soon as he made contact yellow light engulfed them as their bodies forcibly expelled their souls and pushed them back into their correct bodies. Both fell to the floor, unconscious.

“What the hell just happened?” The high Inquisitor called from outside the cell. Alec ran to where Magnus’ body was slumped on the ground, shaking his shoulders slightly and praying the right soul was back in the right body. He looked around momentarily for Catarina, for any sign that she had been successful.

He was startled by a soft whispering in his ear, “It is done, take care of him young Lightwood. He cares for you more than you know.”

Alec looked around for the source but was unable to find it. He turned to see the angry Inquisitor in the doorway of the cell. 

“What did that Warlock do to the prisoner?” She insisted.

“I don’t know. Maybe Valentine had protections against mind spells. Either way, since it was unsuccessful, the execution can take place. I am going to take Magnus upstairs to rest until he’s recovered,” Alec said, trying to sound sincere.

“Very well. I shall make the arrangements,” she said, allowing Alec to pick up Magnus’ limp body and carry it out of the cell. She then locked the cell and drew a rune on the outside that would only unlock to her stele, leaving Valentine’s body unconscious and distorted on the floor.

Alec carefully carried Magnus’ body up to his room and laid him on the bed. He didn’t know what would happen moving forward. Catarina hadn’t told him how long it would be before he woke up. He felt his hands shake as he attempted to make Magnus more comfortable, his mind going to the last time he and Magnus’ body had been in a bed together. The pain was a distant memory, but the fear wasn’t. 

Instead of crawling into the bed with him, like he would have done previously, Alec pulled up his desk chair so that he could sit vigilance over Magnus until he was awake again.

~*~

Having your soul ripped from your body and then returned to it was a harrowing deal. Magnus felt lost within his own body and mind. Slowly he attempted to rearrange everything into some kind of semblance of order. He saw things from his own eyes that weren’t familiar to him. Discussions with Azazel within his own home that he would have definitely remembered having. It took moment for him to realize that these were memories from when Valentine inhabited his body. 

Slowly, more and more memories force their way into his mind. Drinking his liquor straight from the bottle. Throwing his necklaces and rings on the floor. And then there was Alec. 

He could see Alec coming into his loft. He could see him trying to talk to him. Then he saw himself pushing him back towards Jace’s guest room. Magnus felt his body fill with overwhelming panic and distress as he heard Alec’s screams and cries.

Magnus’ body bolted upright on the bed he was laying on as a scream of anguish was ripped from his throat. He could feel his magic swirling violently around him as he lost control in a fit of pure and raw pain. What his body had done…he couldn’t rationalize it. 

He felt familiar arms wrap around him and attempt to hold him together but the screams continued. He couldn’t take the idea that his body had been used to violate someone he cared for in such a violent way. 

“Please, come back to me,” he heard whispered in his ear. With a burst of magic he pushed Alec off of him and away from his body. His disgusting, filthy body. He held his head in his hands as the visions kept coming. The sight of Alec’s used body when he was done, wracked with sobs from the pain he had inflicted. Watching Alec violently heave his body over the side of the bed and expel the contents of his stomach. Before he knew what was happening, Magnus was mimicking the movement and throwing up all over Alec’s bedroom floor. 

Magnus was trapped in this memory, unable to escape. His body had been violated and used and he didn’t know how to handle it.

~*~

Alec had been resting his eyes when Magnus came to with a scream. Fearing he was in the throws of a nightmare or scared because of everything that had happened recently, Alec jumped onto the bed to take care of him. He grabbed him, trying to keep him together as his magic surrounded them. He tried to get through to him by speaking softly, telling him it would be alright. Nothing seemed to work.

He held on, not knowing what else to do, until he was violently thrown off his bed and onto the floor. He sat up, shocked that Magnus had done that. Had they gotten it wrong? Was Valentine’s soul still inhabiting Magnus body?

He watched as Magnus grabbed his head, tears streaming steadily down his cheeks, his eyes wide open with terror. 

Alec desperately wished that Catarina had stuck around to see this through. He knew she was still fostering Madzie but he could really use her help. He didn’t know if this was normal when someone regained their body, or if something was terribly wrong. He was guessing something was terribly wrong. 

“Please Magnus, calm down. Let me help you,” He called from his spot on the floor. He desperately wanted to comfort Magnus but he couldn’t even get close. With the magic filling the room so intensely, Alec was unsure if he would be able to approach the bed again without being thrown back. 

After what felt like forever, Magnus finally responded. “How can you bare the sight of me? I can’t even stand to know what this body has done.” He couldn’t even turn to meet Alec’s eyes but the level of anguish that filled every word cut deep into Alec’s heart. 

“What? Magnus what are you talking about. Please, let me in. Let me help you. I love you,” Alec said, wanting to be able to comfort his boyfriend when he was clearly in so much pain. He would do anything for him. 

“I know what the vile man did while he inhabited my body,” Magnus whispered, the remnants of yesterday’s make-up which hadn’t been removed now colored his face as the tears continued to flow. 

“I…I know it wasn’t you,” Alec said, trying to rationalize what had happened to Magnus. He knew he couldn’t talk about it. Not really. Not when he was still trying to move on. But he knew it wasn’t Magnus who had done that to him. Magnus hadn’t hurt him. Valentine had. He had used a weapon, Magnus’ body, to hurt Alec. Alec knew that Magnus would never hurt him, he was going to hold fiercely to that belief. 

“How?” Magnus croaked.

“I just know. I know you. So, please, let me help you,” Alec said, feeling tears gather in his eyes and he felt the pain that Magnus was exuding. It was filling their air thickly and making it difficult to concentrate and focus. 

Magnus didn’t respond, but he also didn’t fight it when Alec made him way towards him on shaky legs. Sitting on the bed he pulled Magnus’ devastated body tightly to his own and held on with everything he had. He knew they both weren’t okay. And they both wouldn’t be okay in a long time. But he hoped and prayed, that together, they would help each other heal. 

Magnus grabbed Alec’s worn sweater with both hands and pulled his body as close to him as humanly possible, burying his face into the taller man’s chest as he sobbed. Alec said nothing, pulled Magnus in tighter to let him know that he was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

After a while Magnus felt his tears dry up and the trembling of his body lessen. He pulled his head up, resting it on Alec’s shoulder instead of hiding it in his chest.

“You alright?” Alec asked, watching Magnus’ face carefully for signs that he was going to have another breakdown.

“Far from it,” Magnus admitted, reaching out with his hand to grab Alec’s, but hesitating as he got close. He didn’t know how Alec could stand to hold him like he was, how he could stand feeling his body against his. Magnus felt physically sick over what Valentine had done while inhabiting his body. He couldn’t comprehend how Alec seemed so unaffected. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alec asked.

“I don’t think I can talk about all of it, not right now. Alexander, words cannot describe the helplessness that I felt when I realized I was trapped within Valentine’s body. Unable to access my magic, felt like a large part of my identity was missing. I spent every moment in fear, fear that something would happen to me and I would be unable to defend myself, and fear that he would use by body and my magic to hurt others. Both of those fears came true,” Magnus said, his body trembling in fear within the confines of Alec’s embrace.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t figure it out sooner. I should have listened to you the first time,” Alec said, hating himself for not realizing it the moment he entered the loft last night. He knew something was off with him but he just played it off as a side effect of dueling with a Greater Demon. If he had figured it out right then and there, neither of them would be hurting as much as they were. 

“Please don’t blame yourself. In all of this, you are not to blame. We can blame Valentine, we can blame Azazel, but you cannot blame yourself,” Magnus said, pulling away so he could face Alec head on. He wanted to look into his eyes when he spoke his next words. “Alexander, I know you. I know how you operate. You place things into compartments within the deep recess of your mind until you are so overwhelmed you find yourself on the edge of a balcony with no other options. Please, my love, work through this trauma you have been through. Just as I have my own trauma to work through. We can work through the together, or we can find someone else to talk to. But this, this cannot be handled in good old Shadowhunter fashion.”

Alec stared into Magnus’ gaze for as long as he could throughout his small speech until he couldn’t take the sincerity any longer. Being forced to look the truth in the face was too much. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out everything, tried to restore the peace that came from lacking emotions. He had been trained, his whole life, that emotions were weaknesses. He had never been able to fully embrace that concept, for he loved wholly and always felt the urge to protect others. Now, the overwhelming pain and fear that he associated with what happened the night before was being through in his face and it threatened to destroy him. 

The pain Magnus was feeling grew exponentially seeing Alec break in front of him. The strong and steady shadowhunter who would do anything, even sacrifice himself mind, body, and soul, was broken. And it was because of him. 

A knock on Alec’s door broke them out of their little bubble and caused Alec to move backward and blink his eyes rapidly to clear them. 

“Come in,” Alec said, moving to sit next to Magnus who was still mostly reclined on the bed.

Jace opened the door slowly, as if he was afraid to walk in on something he wouldn’t want to see. He was relieved to see the two of them sitting innocently on the bed. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, openly. Both of them looked deserved and uneasy. He could feel the actual pain flowing through his bond from Alec. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but clearly it was effecting his parabatai and he wanted to know what it was.

“We’re fine. Magnus was just summoned to try and extract Valentine’s memories of the location of the cup. Something backfired and he was knocked out. But he’s fine now,” Alec explained, seeing Magnus’ widened eyes on the side of him. Magnus hadn’t known that Alec was going it alone in his plan to get Magnus’ soul back in his body. 

“Okay,” Jace said, looking Alec over carefully, as if he would be able to see what it was that was bothering Alec on sight. “You heading back to the loft for the night?” Jace asked, knowing that is Magnus had been hurt today, Alec would be playing mother-hen that night.

Alec looked at Magnus for permission and saw equally unsure eyes looking back at him. Alec realized that Magnus believed he wouldn’t be comfortable in the loft after what Valentine did to him. Wanting to be near Magnus, and know that he was alright, overrode whatever he felt about that night and he found himself subtly nodding.

“Yes, thank you Jace. I’m sure you will find some way to cover for him,” Magnus said, moving to the edge of the bed before standing up. He held out his hand for Alec’s and waited for the younger man to take it. As soon as Alec’s calloused hand was latched onto his own, Magnus used his other hand to open a portal right there in Alec’s bedroom and pull them through. They were going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this story could, potentially, lend itself to a whole additional story of the two of them working together, and with others, to slowly work through what they went through. But, at the moment, I'm happy with how it came out (aside from the battle that took place over the first chapter).
> 
> Hope everyone enjoyed!


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